What is Grooming?

Grooming is a predatory technique that perpetrators use to gain trust and establish access to victims and their support system. Therefore, knowledge about grooming is essential to prevent abuse. 

According to Chris McGhee (2026), victim selection includes “single-parent households, lacking parental oversight, state-custody or state supervision, socially isolated or marginalize children, intellectual, neurodevelopmental, and/or developmental disabilities, and history of sexual abuse.” 

The purpose of this blog post is to provide information about grooming to recognize the signs and as a dedication to a survivor of grooming and child sexual abuse.  

McAlinden (2006) found that grooming a child often involves establishing a friendship with a potential victim by understanding their interests and being supportive and trustworthy to gain their confidence. Subsequently, the perpetrator will foster a 'special' bond by offering various incentives such as money, comics, sweets, or even unexpected treats like outings to the cinema or fast-food establishments. This focus on the exclusivity of the relationship serves to 'distance' the child from their parents or other figures who may provide safety and hinder the discovery of the grooming behavior. It also allows the offender to exert control over the victim through the provision or withholding of rewards. In certain instances, the use of bribes or rewards may escalate into threats or coercion to ensure the child's ongoing secrecy and compliance. Furthermore, the offender frequently engages in 'forbidden fruit' activities, such as using profanity, sharing 'dirty jokes,' or exposing the child to pornography, to introduce sexual themes into their interactions. This stage not only begins to normalize sexual behavior but may also serve to further entrap the child. Lastly, the offender will take advantage of the child's innocence and trust by gradually introducing more intimate physical contact, such as play-acting, tickling, wrestling, and even hugging, to sexualize their interactions. The use of touch is crucial, as it determines the child's receptiveness and initiates the desensitization process—over time, the abuser will escalate boundary violations of the child's body. 

According to McAlinden (2006), “A Report for the Home Office which looked at 94 cases of physical and sexual abuse (Davis et al., 1999) concluded that all but one of the complainants knew their alleged abusers, of whom 48 per cent were family members or relations, 20 per cent were family friends or neighbors, 15 per cent were professionals (youth workers, teachers, doctors), and 6 per cent were acquaintances.” 

RESPONDING TO YOUR CHILD (WHAT TO SAY)

After your child discloses abuse, thank him or her, stressing that it was the right thing to do. Here are some suggestions about what to say:

·         "I'm glad you told me. I know that this wasn't easy. Thank you."

·         "You are very brave and did the right thing by telling me. I know it may not have

              been easy, but you need to know that you didn't do anything wrong."

·         "We know how scary this may have been for you to talk to us. This is a problem we need help with, and there are special people who can be helpful."

·         "I'm sorry I wasn't there to stop this from happening. It wasn't your fault. We're

              going to talk to some people who will help us."

·         "You are very brave, and the person who hurt you was wrong! We're here for

              you."

·         "You are smart to talk to me. I'm really proud of you. Now we need to tell somebody who can help us. There are people who know how to work with this

              kind of situation."             ^'

·         I am so proud of you for letting me handle this situation. The thing I need to do now is make a report to people who know how to stop [the alleged perpetrator]."

·         "Thank you for telling me. Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?"

Guidelines of Do's and Don'ts 

·         Don't respond negatively to your child's disclosure. Comments such as, "How could you be so stupid? You must be imagining things!" or "Why didn't you try to stop him?" are not helpful and can potentially retraumatize a child. Other inappropriate remarks that send a judgmental message such as, "You're ruined!" or "You're marked for life!" can confuse younger kids. They may wonder where their bodies are marked; and if other people will notice.

·         Don't sweep the incident under the rug by telling your child that you'll handle the situation alone. It is a mistake not to make a report.

·         Do allow your child to lead the sexual assault discussion. Answer his or her questions and comments according to their age and ability to understand. Most five-year-olds, for example, don't need a lot of explanation. Try to respond simply, in twenty-five words or less. An older child may ask questions, and you can both look up answers together.

·         Don't discuss more than your child can handle. Remember that children generally give you signals when they want to end the discussion. They'll ask about their soccer practice, perhaps or turn on the television. And protect your child from unnecessary information regarding the case.

·         Maintain your child’s regular routine. Routines help children feel safe and settle their anxiety. Providing consistency during the crisis will help the child to feel calmer.

·         Don't threaten to harm the alleged perpetrator. When children hear well-meaning adults threaten to physically harm the alleged perpetrator, it can raise their fear about being targeted by their assailant. They can be afraid they will be punished for disclosing. If the alleged perpetrator has threatened to harm the child’s parents, a child may be reluctant to disclose as well. The child may also worry about his parents' being arrested and sent to jail if they harm the alleged perpetrator.

·         Do control your emotions around your children. Your feelings, while understandable, should be kept in check around all your kids. Children can feel extremely responsible if their parents seem fragile or otherwise unable to cope. And do not unconsciously turn your child off by acting as though you are embarrassed or are otherwise overwhelmed by the disclosure.

·         Don't ask leading questions or put your child in an embarrassing position. For example, if your child makes a disclosure, you can gently ask him or her to continue by saying, "Go on" or "What would you like me to know?" But never say, especially with younger children, something like, "Did he take his hand and cover your mouth, and did you try and scream?" In doing so you could affect your child's credibility with investigators because he may unconsciously insert this information into his disclosure when interviewed. It may lead investigators to conclude that the child has been prompted or coached.

·         Research has discovered that under certain circumstances and with certain individuals, false memories can be implanted in people. So what you say to your child after disclosure is vitally important. You don't want your remarks to be judged by the investigators as coaching. Do not ask unnecessary questions and control your reactions.

·         Do allow the professionals to do the investigative work. Your job is to support your child. It will help the professionals if you've jotted down the child’s remarks when he or she first disclosed and share the information with them.

SEXUAL ABUSE SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS

•         Displays seemingly irrational fear or dislike for another person

•         Engages in aggressive, disruptive behavior

•         Runs away

•         Fails school

•         Displays antisocial behavior such as stealing, hurting others, or setting fires

•         Shows excessive aggression towards animals

•         Shows mood disorders: depression, mania, anxiety, hypersensitivity

•          Has unexplained fears about undressing at school, following normal routines, or worrying about a sibling's whereabouts

•          Obsessively washes hands or adopts other compulsive routines

•         Locks doors and takes extreme safety precautions

•         Has difficulty concentrating and learning: daydreaming

•          Develops memory problems or cannot remember blocks of time

•          Displays body tension

•         Becomes impulsive

•         Is easily startled

•          Becomes hypervigilant about personal space or safety

•          Clings to adults or other caregivers

•         Attempts or threatens suicide

•         Changes in usual behaviors; withdrawing from activities, sudden shyness, or excessive crying

•          Appetite disturbance: gorging, gagging, throwing up, no appetite

•          Nightmares and/or disturbed sleep patterns

•         Regression in behavior: sucking the thumb, bedwetting, baby talk, tantrums, and so forth

•         Panic

•         Self-mutilation: cutting self, excessive tattoos and body piercing

•          Complaints of pain while urinating or having bowel movements

•         Pregnancy

•         Torn or stained nightgowns, pajamas, or underwear

•         Unusual interest in or knowledge of sexual matters: Reenacting the sexual abuse with toys, animals, other children, or adults and disclosing sophisticated information about human sexuality

•         Frequent colds or other health problems. Trauma affects the immune system. Sexually abused children may develop stomach pains, headaches, other aches, or unexplained rashes

•         Engaging in drug or alcohol experimentation

In conclusion, awareness of the signs of grooming behavior is essential for prevention. If you suspect grooming or child sexual abuse, trust your instincts and get support. For survivors, healing is possible.

If you or someone you know are experiencing child abuse, reach out. Help is available.

The Virginia Department of Social Services operates a CPS Hotline 24/7 to support local departments of social services by receiving reports of child abuse and neglect and referring them to the appropriate local department of social services. The CPS Hotline is staffed by trained Protective Services Hotline Specialists.

Virginia State Hotline: 1-800-522-7096

Resources

Child Help USA https://childhelp.org/speakupbesafe/

Child Welfare Information Gateway https://www.childwelfare.gov/

Fortson, B. L., Klevens, J., Merrick, M. T., Gilbert, L. K., & Alexander, S. P. (2016). Child Abuse and Neglect Prevention Resource for Action: A Compilation of the Best Available Evidence. Atlanta, GA: National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/violence-prevention/media/pdf/resources-for-action/CAN-Prevention-Resource_508.pdf

I Have the Right To https://ihavetherightto.org/

National Children’s Alliance https://www.nationalchildrensalliance.org/

Prevent Child Abuse America https://preventchildabuse.org/

RAINN https://rainn.org/

Stop It Now! https://www.stopitnow.org/help-guidance/prevention-tools

Stop Sexual Assault in Schools https://stopsexualassaultinschools.org/

University of Rochester Mt. Hope Family Center Safe & Strong Keeping Kids Safe Online & Offline https://www.psych.rochester.edu/MHFC/education-training/preventing-sexual-abuse/

References

McAlinden, A. (2006). ''Setting 'Em Up'': Personal, Familial and Institutional Grooming in the Sexual Abuse of Children. Social and Legal Studies, 15(3)(3), 339-362. https://doi.org/10.1177/0964663906066613

McGhee, C. (2026, May 18-21). Understanding Grooming, Aftermath, and Advocacy in Sexual Assault [Conference presentation]. Conference on Crimes Against Women, Dallas, TX, United States.